Looking Back, Reading Ahead

Looking Back, Reading Ahead

• Thursday, January 5, 2017

As the year comes to its end and I take assessment of the world around me, I've come to see how different aspects of ourselves ruin us or embolden us.  Connection is either a gift or a curse.

This year I relearned how to speak up.  I leaned outside of the doorway and lifted my head above the low smoke and bookshelves, the candles and guitars and opened my mouth to speak.  I wanted so badly to be heard.  And I succeeded. And I failed.  And that, I learned, is okay.

Where once there was no pride, I have a measure of strength in finding unity with other people like me.  The place where total terror resides, there blooms something bright and fascinating that has earned me respect among my peers.

I found a new family where I'm at, people I can share some sensitive cultural touchstones and thoughts with, people who value my input as a mixed-raced woman, and as an occult practitioner.  I found acceptance and love for my whole self, even the pagan parts, in a place that is primarily Muslim and Christian.  They know what I am, they don't care, in fact they respect me.

J.E, Dev, Will and Y.D, they taught me that there are going to be people in the world who want nothing from me and yet think everything good about me.  I never would have stood up if John hadn't told me he believed I had something to say.   Now, I don't need anyone to get me up to speak.  I learned to trust in turning to people when I have something to say.  And I think this medicine works better.  I made some nice friends. That's enough.

However, the first rule of the Universe: Nothing is Free.  Everything demands a payment.

I can see the road ahead, behind and under me.

I used to believe that as long as I was a kind and sweet person, I would lead an easier life than a warrior.  I used to believe that validation is something you can only really get from third party perspective.  And I believed, up until a few months ago that if you tried your hardest to love people through their pain, that some day, one day, they will look kindly on you for it.  In the end, what this year of getting out of my comfort zone has taught me is that there are some things about yourself that will never change, and that some people are never worth the best parts of you.

I wanted to heal myself through helping others.  I went out of my way to be helpful, useful, charitable.  I learned that my smile has value to people when they're down, and my bouts of worry and sadness has meaning to people when they know.  This experience taught me that there are still people capable of remarkable openness and warmth all around me.

When you're asocial or shy or have social anxiety from an early age, you don't always know what normal friendships look like, or how to function normally in them.  I wanted to try my hand at a new form of magic; the kind where by some slight of hand, you develop bonds.

We all have character flaws and buddy, the spirits cursed me with this knack giving little of myself to the best kind of people and trying way too hard for the worst kinds of people.  After a year of experimenting and failing, I now understand my modus operandi, and I'm determined to spend 2017 undoing that bullshit backwards curse.

We all choose our battles, we all have those childhood pains or adolescent moments that teach us a the lesson of humility and humbleness.  We are only what the world has made of us.  Every insecurity, every anxiety, every fear was taught to us by life and by experience.  We are, simply put, at the mercy of ourselves.  So what do you do when you realize that not only are you a bad friend to yourself, you're a bad person to yourself in an attempt to please other people?  You sit down, take a deep breath and take a good hard look at yourself.

Today;  I see ME, clearly, without the blinders on.  And I'm in love with her.

rabbit. rabbit.